Doing Everything Quickly

Wall Street subway station (Pixabay)

"I'm from New York. I do everything quickly. If I had to drive to my own execution, I'd be in the left lane, passing everyone in order to get there as soon as possible."
Rick Redner, I Left My Prostate in san Francisco

New York Sunset

"You've never experienced a New York sunset until you've seen it from the deck of the Staten Island Ferry—as a seagull pukes up mouse bones onto your geometry textbook. You'll think, Are we in the Mediterranean? And a drunk ferry hand will burp, 'Naw, sweetie, that's the Hudson Bay. Where all of New York's sewers meet for breakfast!'"
Colin Jost, A Very Punchable Face

Boosting Inmunity

"I’m from New York, where we’re given a lipstick-stained mug filled with dirty hot-dog water to carry down Sixth Avenue until a big drop of what is either Legionnaire’s-disease-infected air-conditioner leak or somebody else’s spit lands in it, then we drink that to get our immune-system boost, thank you very much."
Susanna Wolff, The New Yorker

Getting Along

"People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine."
David Letterman, quoted in Words to Live By

Parking Space in New York

"People will kill each other for a parking space in New York because they think, ‘If I don’t get this one, I may never get a space. I’ll be searching for months until somebody goes out to the Hamptons.’"
Jerry Seinfeld, Seinlanguage

Quality of Life

"A new report claims that California is the state with the worst quality of life. 'Ha, ha!" said a New Yorker right before a rat fell in his mouth."
Seth Meyers, Late Night with Seth Meyers

If You See Something

Times Square subway station

"As all New Yorkers know, if you see something, steal something."
Stephen Colbert, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Public Restrooms

Bryant Park

"A new article has been published ranking New York City's best public restrooms and congratulations yet again to... the subway."
Seth Meyers, Late Night with Seth Meyers

New York Apartment

Third Avenue

"Something happened to Lily and Marshall that day, something that happens to all New Yorkers who return home from anywhere other than New York: their big lovely apartment shrank."
Ted Mosby (Bob Saget), How I Met Your Mother

Tourette's

"I'm from New York, so I thought everybody had Tourette's."
Pam Matteson, Comedy Central

Middle Finger

JFK Airport

"I just flew in from New York City, and boy is my middle finger tired."
Jon Ross, Comedy Central

Sidewalk Rage

"You go to L.A., people complain about road rage -- that's nothing. In New York City, we have sidewalk rage. You can't walk slower than 25 miles per hour in New York City. Go to Times Square during rush hour -- I dare you to stop and look at a cloud. There's a five-person pile-up behind you. It's like, 'Hey! C'mon. What's going on? C'mon, I gotta get to the curb. Let's go! Someone better be dead when I get up there, that's all I'm saying.'"
Eliot Chang, Comedy Central

Diversity

"The thing I love about it is its diversity. I never knew there were so many ways to say, 'f**k you.'"
Ardal O'Hanlon, Comedy Central

New York Sightseeing

NYC ferry

"I have been having a great time while I've been out here in New York. You know, we've been seeing the sights. Just yesterday, we saw the River of Spit and we visited the Museum of Smells and, before I leave tomorrow, the Gallery of Broken Things."
Jake Johannsen, Comedy Central

New York Horror

Alphabet City

"Last year I moved to New York; I lived in New York for a month. And now I know why all of my New York friends want me to move there. They want another warm body between them and the constant spray of sh*t and horror that you are subjected to."
Patton Oswalt, Comedy Central

Schedule

East River Waterfront

"That's the thing about New York: even the crazy people—the loonies, the nutters out on the street—half of them have watches. Even if you're nuts in New York City, you still got a time schedule you have to stay to: 'Uh, let's see—4:30? Conduct pigeon orchestra.'"
Otis Lee Crenshaw, Comedy Central

Rich New Yorkers

Fifth Avenue

"Rich New Yorkers are the worst. They buy up building for themselves and ruin neighborhoods. They're always inventing new types of dogs that the world doesn't need. And what do they do with their money? They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries. Well, call me crazy, but I say cure malaria at home first."
Titus Andromedon (Tituss Burgess), The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why the City Never Sleeps

Bernard Baruch Way

"We are the city that never sleeps because we're afraid that if we nod off, a rat will birth its young in our open mouths."
Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report

Bank Robber

Third Avenue

"I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him."

Woody Allen, quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions

A Thousand Nationalities

"William is mesmerized by the sights and smells of the New York subway system, the only place where you can mingle with a thousand nationalities simultaneously passing gas."
Elaine Szewczyk, I'm With Stupid