Home Alone: Lost in New York

"How'd you get lost in New York? I know it's kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn't a comedian back then, so I have to do it now. I wish I'd been. I wish I'd been a Def Jam Comic when that movie came out. I would have torn it to pieces. Be like 'you seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone: Lost in New York shit? It's a grid system, motherfucker. Where you at? 24th and 5th? Where you wanna go? 35th and 6th? 11 up and 1 over, you simple bitch!'"
John Mulaney, Comedy Central

New York Subways

Times Square subway station

"I miss New York. I miss the subways, believe it or not. So, what I do is I have a tape recording of just the sound of the subway, and every morning, I get up, I go into my closet, I close the door, I put the tape on, and I just hang there with my clothes for a while. Then I turn to my overcoat, and I go, 'No, you shut up, pal, alright?' Then I stab myself a few times, and I feel like I'm home."
Gary Lazer, Comedy Central

New York City Marathon

(Photo: Steven Pisano / Wikimedia Commons)

"I do love the New York City Marathon, though. That's really exciting when the world's fastest anorexics come to town."
Jonathan Corbett, Comedy Central

Anthrax

"We ain't scared of no terrorists, man. This is New York City. We ain't scared of no anthrax. Anthrax? Please. I get on the A train."
Sherrod Small, Comedy Central

I Miss NY

"I saw a license plate yesterday that said 'I Miss New York,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio."
Craig Anton, Comedy Central

Progressive

Park Avenue during Summer Days

"I live in New York. I love this city, it's a great city. We're a progressive city: we've eliminated both cars and English."
Mike Lawrence, Comedy Central

New York Pots

NYC Ferry

"New York acts like it's a big melting pot, 'cause it's like all the different cultures, 'Oh, we all melt together.' And then you move here and you realize it's not a melting pot at all. It's actually a bunch of pots that want to live next to their own kinds of pots and not talk to other pots."
Nate Bargatze, Comedy Central

The Wall

New York City Marathon (Tom Thai / Wikimedia Commons)

"At 19 miles, when most runners run out of steam and you hit what they call 'the wall,' is the exact moment you cross into the South Bronx. So here, they combine running and fleeing."
Wayne Federman, Comedy Central

Tourette's

"I'm from New York, so I thought everybody had Tourette's."
Pam Matteson, Comedy Central

After September 11

Astor Place

"The only positive thing to happen in New York City after September 11th is on September 12th, every tourist that moved here -- from Maine and Wyoming and Minnesota -- got up on September 12th and stood in front of a video camera and said, 'It's not safe.' No kidding, it's New York City, it's not supposed to be safe. Get the f**k out. Real New Yorkers got up on September 12th and said, 'Hey, is there alternate side of the street parking today?'"
Joey Gay, Comedy Central

Middle Finger

JFK Airport

"I just flew in from New York City, and boy is my middle finger tired."
Jon Ross, Comedy Central

Sidewalk Rage

"You go to L.A., people complain about road rage -- that's nothing. In New York City, we have sidewalk rage. You can't walk slower than 25 miles per hour in New York City. Go to Times Square during rush hour -- I dare you to stop and look at a cloud. There's a five-person pile-up behind you. It's like, 'Hey! C'mon. What's going on? C'mon, I gotta get to the curb. Let's go! Someone better be dead when I get up there, that's all I'm saying.'"
Eliot Chang, Comedy Central

Crazy

East Village

"Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind."
Louis C.K., Comedy Central

No Bomb

"I knew that I'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'Do you see a bomb?' 'I don't see a bomb.' 'There's no bomb.' 'I've only got two stops -- let's go for it.'"
Lewis Black, Comedy Central

Diversity

"The thing I love about it is its diversity. I never knew there were so many ways to say, 'f**k you.'"
Ardal O'Hanlon, Comedy Central

New York Sightseeing

NYC ferry

"I have been having a great time while I've been out here in New York. You know, we've been seeing the sights. Just yesterday, we saw the River of Spit and we visited the Museum of Smells and, before I leave tomorrow, the Gallery of Broken Things."
Jake Johannsen, Comedy Central

New York Horror

Alphabet City

"Last year I moved to New York; I lived in New York for a month. And now I know why all of my New York friends want me to move there. They want another warm body between them and the constant spray of sh*t and horror that you are subjected to."
Patton Oswalt, Comedy Central

Schedule

East River Waterfront

"That's the thing about New York: even the crazy people—the loonies, the nutters out on the street—half of them have watches. Even if you're nuts in New York City, you still got a time schedule you have to stay to: 'Uh, let's see—4:30? Conduct pigeon orchestra.'"
Otis Lee Crenshaw, Comedy Central

Don't Pee

Jersey St.

"I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, 'Hey, that's mine. Don't pee on that.'"
Louis C.K., Comedy Central